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Have a Joke that would suit this page?

Why not email it to me

john@heart-transplants.co.uk

Link To Poems

 



Jokes Page
A Smile and A Giggle Always Helps
______

"Heart Transplant"

An elderly patient needed a heart transplant and discussed his options with his doctor.

The doctor said, “We have three possible donors; tell me which one you want to use. One is a young, healthy athlete who died in an automobile accident. The second is a middle-aged businessman who never drank or smoked and who died in his private plane. The third is an attorney who just died after practicing law for 30 years.”

“I’ll take the lawyer’s heart,” said the patient.

After a successful transplant, the doctor asked the patient why he had chosen the donor he did.

“It was easy,” the patient replied. “I wanted a heart that hadn’t been used.”

______

Mid Life Crises ... Solved ...

When I was married 25 years, I took a look at my wife one day and said,

"Honey, 25 years ago we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa
bed and watched a 10-inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 25-year-old blonde.

"Now we have a nice house, nice car, big bed and plasma screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 50-year-old woman. It seems to me that you are not holding up your side of things."

My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 25-year-old blonde, and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, sleeping on a sofa bed and watching a 10-inch black and white TV."

Aren't older women great? They really know how to solve your mid life crisis.

Have a nice day & spread a smile or two around..

_______

"Doctor Translations"

"Welllllll, what have we here..."
Since he hasn't the foggiest notion of what it is, the Doctor is hoping you will give him a clue.

"Let's see how it develops."
Maybe in a few days it will grow into something that can be cured.

"How are we today?"
I feel great. You, on the other hand, look like hell.

"I'd like to prescribe a new drug."
I'm writing a paper and would like to use you for a guinea.

"If it doesn't clear up in a week, give me a call."
I don't know what the hell it is. Maybe it will go away by itself.

"That's quite a nasty looking wound."
I think I'm going to throw up.

"This may smart a little."
Last week two patients bit through their tongues.

"Well, we're not feeling so well today, are we?"
I can't remember your name, nor why you are here.

"If those symptoms persist, call for an appointment."
I've never heard of anything so disgusting. Thank God I'm off next week.

"There is a lot of that going around."
My God, that's the third one this week. I'd better learn something about this.
______

Post Heart Surgery Sex

An old man just had a heart transplant and was getting
instructions from his doctor. He was placed on a strict
diet, denied tobacco and alcohol, and advised to get at
least eight hours sleep a night.

"What about my sex life?" asked the old man "Will it be all
right for me to have intercourse?"

"Only with your wife," said the doctor. "We don't want you
to get too excited."
________

The cost of special reports

A woman brought a very limp parrot into a veterinary clinic. As she
 laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to
 the bird's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and
 said, "I'm so sorry, Polly has passed away."
 
 The distressed owner wailed, "Are you sure? I mean you haven't done
 any testing on him or anything. He might be in a coma or something."
 
 The vet rolled his eyes, shrugged, turned and left the room returning
 in a  few moments with a beautiful black Labrador. As the bird's owner
 looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the parrot from top to bottom. He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.
 
 The vet escorted the dog from the room and returned a few moments
 later with a cat. The cat jumped up and delicately sniffed the bird. The
 cat then sat back, shook it's head, meowed and ran out of the room.
 
 The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but, like I said,
 your parrot is most definitely 100% certifiably dead."
 He then turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced
 a bill which he handed to the woman.
 
 The parrot's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "A HUNDRED AND
 FIFTY DOLLARS!" she cried. "A HUNDRED AND FIFTY DOLLARS just to tell me my bird is dead?!"
 
 The vet shrugged. "If you'd taken my word for it the bill would only
 have been $20, but... what with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan.....

______

How To Keep Yourself Informed

A sweet grandmother telephoned St. Joseph's Hospital,

And she timidly asked, "Is it possible to speak to
someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?"
The operator responded, "I'll be glad to help, dear.
What's the patient's name and room number?"

The grandmother in her weak tremulous voice said,
"Norma Findlay, Room 302."

The operator replied, "Let me place you on hold while
I check with her nurse."

After a few minutes the operator returned to the
Phone. "Oh, good news. Her nurse has told me that> Norma is doing very well. Her blood pressure is fine;
Her blood work just came back as normal. And her
physician, Dr. Cohen, has scheduled her to be discharged Tuesday."

The grandmother said, "Thank you. That's wonderful. I
was so worried! God bless you for the good news."

The operator replied, "You're more than welcome. Is
Norma your daughter?

The grandmother said, "No, I'm Norma Findlay in Room
302.
But no one tells me anything!"

 

 


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